I wanted to be a scientist when I was a child. Or a magician. Or a detective. One of those things. I hadn’t yet learned that life really was as dull as it appeared to be on the surface. I was sure that if I read enough instruction manuals I would learn how to transform the world around me into something more interesting or mysterious or explosive.
In the interests of the advancement of science I have written up two of my early experiments.
1) Balloon aided flight – c.1977
1) Find and inflate four balloons. Find an assistant to tie a knot in them, as this hurts your fingers when you try to do it.
2) Find string. Cut into four bits.
3) Tie a piece of string around the knot of each balloon.
4) Find an elevated position. The fourth step of the stairs is a good place.
5) Stand on step, holding balloon strings.
6) Remain still as older family members push past you on way up and down stairs.
7) Prepare for flight.
8) Consider the consequences of launching yourself off step.
9) Consider the height of the ceiling.
10) Consider whether family members will be able to reach your ankles to retrieve you when you hit the ceiling.
11) Jump.
12) Plummet.
13) Land badly.
14) Rub ankles until they hurt less.
15) Do not cry.
16) Take balloons and return to room.
2) Marvellous mint tonic – c.1979
1) Notice gap in market for a mint flavoured drink.
2) Fail to realise that mint flavoured drinks already exist.
3) Fail to realise that nobody drinks them.
4) Become excited at prospect of innovation.
5) Read about concept of infusion.
6) Find a packet of polo mints.
7) Wait until kitchen is empty of family members and non scientific thinkers.
8) Find a saucepan.
9) Empty polos into saucepan and cover with cold water.
10) Light gas under saucepan by referring to diagrams on cooker front and pressing the ignite button.
11) Allow water to boil.
12) Take a teaspoon of mixture. Allow to cool.
13) Taste to assess mintiness.
14) If none apparent, continue boiling to concentrate flavour.
15) Do not be alarmed by vapour build up in kitchen.
16) Do not be alarmed by lack of minty flavour.
17) Be patient.
18) Continue boiling and tasting until liquid mysteriously disappears and pan contains only polo mints.
19) Prise polo mints from bottom of pan with plastic spatula and place in bin.
20) Return to room.